Stress, Unlearning, and Being the Leader of Your Life
Life is a funny teacher — just as I think I’m figuring things out, the Universe swoops in to deliver me a new lesson.
Case in point: three weeks ago, my life was calm.
I felt clear-eyed and directed about my plans and goals for my business. I felt grounded and at ease in my family life. I was exercising regularly and sleeping pretty well. I even had time to take walks, garden in my backyard, and join Zoom calls with friends.
Two weeks ago, everything went sideways.
New projects with unexpected demands on my time and energy.
New family commitments and urgent questions to answer.
New doubts and anxieties about the plans I’d made and the goals I’d set.
In short, the Universe decided to remind me: I’m not done yet.
I have to laugh at this thought — because of course I’m not done. I mean, I’m still alive!
But isn’t it just the absolute truth that we’re always looking for the arrival point?
Always aiming for our destination?
Three weeks ago I’d lulled myself into thinking I had arrived.
Two weeks ago the Universe reminded me that I have more to learn.
Or, perhaps more specifically, I have more to unlearn.
That’s because, when the shit hit the fan, I went right back into my old modes of operating. All of my cool and calm coping mechanisms went out the window, and my unhealthy muscle memory took over:
Shifting into autopilot
Putting other people’s needs ahead of my own
Sacrificing my goals so I could serve the goals of others
Allowing my doubt and fear to overtake my confidence and clarity
Doing whatever it took – no matter how tired or resentful I got – to just get. it. done.
This way of being is one I know well. One I’ve honed and trained and strengthened through decades of practice.
It’s not a comfortable space. It’s not generative or easy or enjoyable.
But I do know it and I’m good at it.
If I’m honest, it’s actually a big part of the reason why I’ve been so “successful.”
The other day I spoke with someone who told me, “Ashley, you are exceptional.”
I know she meant it as a compliment. An acknowledgement of my talents and gifts.
But instead I heard it as an affirmation of another kind; a validation that in fact, I DO have to keep the pressure valve tight. I DO need to push hard and strive harder – because that is precisely what makes me exceptional.
Oh hello, Inner Critic. It’s great to see you again.
This is what I mean about unlearning.
The truth is, I don’t want to be “exceptional” or “successful” if it means I have to be high-strung, controlling or inattentive to my own needs.
What I do want is to unravel and debunk any learned behavior or beliefs that no longer serve me.
I want to clean house, Marie Kondo-style, say thank you to these unhelpful ways of being — and kick them to the curb.
What are the patterns, behaviors or thoughts that kick into gear when you’re in stress?
What’s the muscle memory you want to unlearn?
And, what are the new ways of being you want to invite in their place?
Just when we think we’ve arrived, a new path appears.
Just when we think we’re finished, our eyes open to an entirely new opportunity.
This is what it means to be the leader of your life:
To build your own point of view about who you are becoming and how you want to live. And then take action to create that for yourself.
Always learning and unlearning, growing and evolving, never finished or complete.
Onward,
