What Can't You Be With?
What can’t you be with?
What are the behaviors, relationships or situations that rile you up and get under your skin?
Let me explain:
I first heard this question – what can’t you be with? – when I was training to become a coach.
For homework one night, we were instructed to consider our answers. At first, mine were mundane, even a little silly:
People who cut in line
Manspreading
Spilled milk (seriously)
But with more contemplation, my answers became more grave:
Abandonment (especially parents of their children)
Injustice (particularly against our most marginalized)
Abuse of any kind against women and children
I remember looking over this list and thinking, woah – there’s some deep sh*t here.
As a coach, it’s important for me to identify the topics and contexts that trigger me. I have to be aware of my own triggers if I’m going to help you with yours, after all.
But knowing what we can’t be with isn’t just a chance to be honest about the things that make us scared, sad, or angry.
It’s so much more than that!
Because – here’s the cool thing: The things we can’t be with are a direct line to the truth.
Our truth.
It’s because you can’t be with animal abuse that you foster kittens at home.
It’s because you can’t be with disrespect that you hold the door open for the person behind you.
It’s because you can’t be with neglect that you stop to chat with the homeless person, instead of just passing by.
The things we can’t be with are clues to what we stand for, at our core.
Not only that, it’s often the things we can’t be with that inform us when it’s time to act.
I started my business because of what I couldn’t be with.
In 2017 when I got laid off, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.
Amidst the shock and grief, I realized I “couldn’t be with” the idea that someone else had that much say over my ability to make money and provide for my family.
I couldn’t be with the idea that anyone else would be able to determine what was available, possible or right for me.
Which is why Friday’s Supreme Court ruling to overturn the federal protections of Roe vs. Wade was so devastating for me personally and professionally.
How do we even begin to design our lives on our own terms – when women (mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, friends, anyone with a uterus!) no longer have the fundamental right to control what happens to our bodies?
How do we even begin to design our lives on our own terms – when our ability to access safe, legitimate, life-saving healthcare is called into question?
I’ll be honest and say: I’m still grappling with these questions.
But here’s what I do know:
From the beginning of Wayfinders Collective, I’ve been guided by the belief that we all have the inherent right to design our lives and our careers around what brings us meaning: our values, our priorities, and the impact we desire to have in the world.
I also know: I can’t be with this.
This extreme betrayal…
This inhumane hypocrisy…
This disastrous power grab…
And buried deep within what I can’t be with…. is what’s true for me. And my guideposts for where and how I begin to act.
So with that – as you consider what’s happening this week in the world and in your life, ask yourself:
What can’t I be with?
And then: How might I use that as my spotlight illuminating the path forward?
Onward,
